13.3

I went to Misha's this morning for the first time.  Delicious.  And they have coconut milk.  I might go back and get some beans that I could use in my Keurig, but I'd need the reusable filter for that -- and I'm really, really trying to cut back on coffee, which I'm actually doing pretty well on.  It might make for a nice weekend routine, though.

I really went there with the intent of doing homework -- however, after securing my medium Route 66, I couldn't find a table.  So I did the reasonable thing and went to Crossfit.

I hemmed and hawed over retesting my 13.3.  My reasons for not wanting to involved: my lack of conditioning with wallballs (in fact, the last time I did wallballs was on New Year's Eve); and overriding, the reason that I haven't done wallballs - the wrist I injured during CAL that still isn't 100% and unhappy with impact.  But historically (historically being "the last 2 weeks") I have added reps on my second go-around, and more importantly, I was overly unhappy with my performance.

The gym for me isn't a place to get emotional.  It's a place where I can check everything that has been bothering me at the door and pour my energy in to the workout.  Sure, I get sentimental about the experience of Crossfit as a whole, but that's not where my mind is when I'm picking up the bar.  So it's really unsettling for me for a workout to get to me as much as 13.3 did.  I feel like it highlights everything I haven't accomplished.  Which I mean is kind of the point, these workouts are designed to expose our weaknesses. 

I'm used to pain, I'm used to fighting, I'm used to being uncomfortable.  I don't mind a workout freaking me out a little bit, and I think a few pre-competition panic tears can be healthy.  But I just can't let go the fact that I sucked so bad at this.  And yeah I added 10 reps today to Thursday's score, but in the end it's still pathetic.  I was crying WHILE I was doing wallballs today -- not just collapsing on the ground beating myself up after (which I did Thursday).  I let myself down.  Again.

It's over and I don't get another chance at this.  Ultimately it's a diagnostic.  Ultimately I'll come back to it.  Ultimately I messed up my wrist again and it's probably back down in the 80% range instead of the 95% I was pushing.  And ultimately I am still pissed and hell AND still have to do my homework.

Pre-SAS clean eating day-whatever-this-is side note: last night I went to Chipotle with a small handful of people after the WOD, and I didn't finish my burrito bowl.  The longer I eat paleo, the more I notice that I'm not just mindlessly putting away compliant food.  I am actually getting full and being able to listen to my body.  Go leptin.