Cravings, and fears about off-ramping.

Part homework, part discussion with myself.  You're welcome.

Me vs. my cravings
 
What is a craving, anyway? I struggled with logging them in the beginning.

• Is it when I'm standing in Dunkin Donuts and think, man, a donut would be good?  (I did that this morning.  I don't even really like donuts -- I have a mental block on how much crap they are for like 3 bites of satisfaction, and it's been at least 18 months since I've eaten one.)  
• Is it when I'm sitting at my desk and think, hey I'd love a gluten-free pizza from Fireworks for lunch?  ...and immediately after think, oh, man, I can't have that, nevermind.  
• Or is it when post-Whole30 (the October-November edition) I decided I REALLY NEEDED SOME CHOCOLATE, tore my apartment apart looking for some (didn't find any) and ended up with a bar of 100% cacao baking chocolate (took one bite, spit it out, and gave up.)?

 I don't think that acknowledging something delicious and then letting it go qualifies, but at the same time, some of those are because of ingrained cues.  I want a pizza from Fireworks because I've eaten at Fireworks two or three times a week since I started my job a year ago.  I had my job interview there.  I want a donut because when I walk in to Dunkin' Donuts for a black iced coffee, everything about that place has been designed to make me purchase a donut.  Or a croissant.  With bacon.

But that last one?  The chocolate?  I really don't know. I don't remember it being a certain time of the month, I don't remember being really stressed - but I also didn't log these things then.  So coming off my Whole## (what day are we on again?  I had some yogurt during the on-ramp week so it's not a Whole56...), my job is to be more cognizant of my emotional state when I choose to eat an item off-plan.  Not cheat -- it's not cheating on my "diet".  It's a choice -- "riding my own bike" -- as part of a healthy lifestyle, not just a strict nutrition program, and if I'm going to make it, I'm going to enjoy it, not lace it with guilt.

By sheer force of no other option, I have changed my habits.  I reach for sparkling water instead of Diet Coke.  I have salad instead of pizza.  I know how good I can feel.  And I think that breeds will power -- I want to be healthier more than I want a cookie.  Yes, there is a certain amount of terror associated with coming off a strict program.

Me vs. metformin (and letting the old habits take over)

Anyway, this all leads me to my next point, which is the off-ramp.  When I off-ramped from my last Whole30 (before I went to Puerto Rico and just ate crap and $12 pina coladas all day long anyway), I got a full idea of how I respond to dairy, a decent idea of how I respond to gluten, and some meh reaction on non-gluten grains.  I didn't off-ramp with fruit because I felt it was a gateway drug - until suddenly I was eating fruit three times a day.

I don't want to turn this in to a whining session, but man, some other people who take on the Whole30....  If you were a relatively healthy person beforehand, you can just take your new feelings of awesomeness and energy and run with it and living your life, fully, flexibly.  As for me, I am staring at this awful choice that is slightly gut-wretching in nature.

I've talked before about my PCOS, and it's come up at our nutrition program meetings about how the first drug they put women who are trying to conceive on is Metformin.  Not to mention there is some evidence of insulin-resistant brain cells causing a predisposition to Alzheimer's.

My goal for this program was to get off Metformin, the diabolic and unkind blood sugar medication I have been on since my freshman year of college.  And I did it.  (yes, I am still taking a cinnamon/chromium supplement at night, but this seems to be the least of my worries)  Because of that, I probably feel a lot better eating completely clean than some of my fellow nutrition program-ites.  And I can probably stay off my blood sugar medication.  As long as I keep eating this way.

But how strict do I have to be?  I love fruit, but it might as well be the chocolate lava cake you save for special occasions to my body.  How flexible can I be before my body goes nuts and my blood sugar goes nuts?  Do I have to dose sometimes, like if I'm planning a big meal out?  I don't want  to be on medication that makes me feel like shit.  But how restrictive can I be with my diet for the rest of my life?  It's been said that this isn't the Whole365.  But where is the line in to what I can have, what sends my cravings nuts, what sends my body in to a spiral?

I don't want a grilled cheese (or a hard cider, or whatever) to be a gateway drug back in to a crashing world of pain, carbohydrate-induced sleep, obesity and a body that doesn't understand its own hormones and signals.  I am afraid of slipping out of my new habits and in to the old ones.  I'm frankly terrified of it.  But on the other hand, I also want bourbon when I visit my dad and the occasional spinach dip while laughing with friends. And that's incredibly frustrating.  And there is no easy answer.  Does everything have to be compliant for the rest of my life?  This isn't the WholeForever, either.

The short story is I need to maintain my new habits, and rewrite the old ones that are still skirting around the edges of this program.  I have to continue treating my body kindly, gently -- even when I don't want to, when I've had a bad night lifting and just want to demolish some pasta and wine.  And somewhere along the line, that habit has to become my reality, and I have to accept that the foods that made the old me happy don't make the new me healthy.