Tuesday, December 18, 2012
2013 and the decimation of my comfort zone
When I started doing Crossfit, I was initially really frustrated when I couldn't "project manage" the crap out of it. This continued for several months, through the really-freaking-hot Virginia summer, until I realized that um, I could project manage my life the same way I manage my work. So I jumped in to a Whole30, went to the gym 6 days a week, and I didn't look back.
But 25 pounds (and a 30 pound CFT PR) later, I was eventually going to hit a stumbling block. Finals and term papers backed me up, my eating fell apart even harder than my sleep schedule did, and I had an uncharacteristically craptastic workout. Like, "oh hey I'm pretty sure this worse than I felt when I did my first Crossfit workout ever" craptastic.
But in addition to my fail workout last night, I also sat through a goals seminar. Goals seminars are one of my favorite things that we do at CFSA, maybe because I'm really planning-oriented or maybe because I like to see others dream and share in their vision. It's inspiring. But also the truth is, no matter how many people you recruit in to helping you achieve your goals, you won't do it if you don't want it bad enough.
And so today, when I was able to step back at look at the suck and how to fix it, I'm reminded of WHY I want to fix it: I want to achieve my goals. I don't have to -- and I won't -- beat myself up about it, I'm just going to refocus and jump forward in to my goals with such momentum I can't be distracted. Which in my case, in Crossfit, in 2013, happen to be:
It's been years since I've competed, and even longer since I competed in any kind of team sport. My attitude about CAL has been kind of self-depreciating. I need to stop that. And I need to realize it's okay to draw strength and inspiration in where I've come from, in my inner strength, and in my outer strength too. No, I can't do that pull-up, and yes, maybe that will slow me down in competition, but that doesn't mean I can't be a contributing member of the team. I'm strong, I'm a pretty good rower, and I have great Olympic lifts (partly because I'm consistent with my practice -- remember, I like to manage -- and partly because I have the most kick-ass weightlifting coach this side of the Mississippi), and I'm strategic.
I'm a photographer. Particularly in the context of Crossfit competitions, I'm a photographer. I stand behind a lens, I capture moments, and I let people share their glory through my photos. I love it. I'm so comfortable there. But I've been a photographer for a couple years now, and sometimes it's just an excuse to be a passive participant. People love the photographer, and photographers can so often because part of the group they spend so much time with. But they AREN'T who they spend time with. If I want that distinction, I have to stop telling stories and start participating in my own.
I had to, at some point, make the judgement call that I had enough trust in the coaches and community at CFSA to let them see my comfort zone and shove me outside of it. It's an opportunity to grow, and to let me teammates inspire me with their achievements, and to take adrenaline and harness it. Yeah, I'm scared -- I'm scared of letting people down. But sometimes, you (me) have to take a deep breath, step outside your comfort zone, and just do it.
I don't need to analyze to death what went wrong in the last week. Not enough good food, not enough sleep, enough stress to send me climbing the walls. My job now is to embrace the suck, and not let knock me off my course. Because letting things beyond my control, and things that went wrong that I have complete control to fix, aren't going to get me a 300# deadlift.
I don't eat Paleo because it's expected of me, I eat that way because I know how awesome it makes me feel. I don't strive for 8 hours of sleep because some blog tells me to, I do it because I work too hard in the gym to waste the effort with crap recovery. I do it all so that I live a better life, and I do it because I have goals that keep me going.
Because at the end of the day, other people are important. But they can't want it bad enough for you.
I'm not just looking forward to 2013 -- I'm freaking excited! I've seen what I can do in 2012 -- I've started a new job, started grad school, and changed my fitness as well as the way I think about it with Crossfit. I'm looking forward to hitting the ground running when I get back from PA with 60 days of 100% clean eating, and underneath the scared, I'm excited about competing. I'm excited about taking everything about 2012 and making it better.
But 25 pounds (and a 30 pound CFT PR) later, I was eventually going to hit a stumbling block. Finals and term papers backed me up, my eating fell apart even harder than my sleep schedule did, and I had an uncharacteristically craptastic workout. Like, "oh hey I'm pretty sure this worse than I felt when I did my first Crossfit workout ever" craptastic.
But in addition to my fail workout last night, I also sat through a goals seminar. Goals seminars are one of my favorite things that we do at CFSA, maybe because I'm really planning-oriented or maybe because I like to see others dream and share in their vision. It's inspiring. But also the truth is, no matter how many people you recruit in to helping you achieve your goals, you won't do it if you don't want it bad enough.
And so today, when I was able to step back at look at the suck and how to fix it, I'm reminded of WHY I want to fix it: I want to achieve my goals. I don't have to -- and I won't -- beat myself up about it, I'm just going to refocus and jump forward in to my goals with such momentum I can't be distracted. Which in my case, in Crossfit, in 2013, happen to be:
- Weighing 150 pounds and being able to deadlift 300 pounds
- Completing Fran as RX
- Compete in Capital Affiliate League (this is coming whether I'm ready for it or not)
- Get a strict pull-up
- Complete my Level 1 (because I'm going to the mobility seminar that I'm attending in March, I'd like to have that cert under my belt)
It's been years since I've competed, and even longer since I competed in any kind of team sport. My attitude about CAL has been kind of self-depreciating. I need to stop that. And I need to realize it's okay to draw strength and inspiration in where I've come from, in my inner strength, and in my outer strength too. No, I can't do that pull-up, and yes, maybe that will slow me down in competition, but that doesn't mean I can't be a contributing member of the team. I'm strong, I'm a pretty good rower, and I have great Olympic lifts (partly because I'm consistent with my practice -- remember, I like to manage -- and partly because I have the most kick-ass weightlifting coach this side of the Mississippi), and I'm strategic.
I'm a photographer. Particularly in the context of Crossfit competitions, I'm a photographer. I stand behind a lens, I capture moments, and I let people share their glory through my photos. I love it. I'm so comfortable there. But I've been a photographer for a couple years now, and sometimes it's just an excuse to be a passive participant. People love the photographer, and photographers can so often because part of the group they spend so much time with. But they AREN'T who they spend time with. If I want that distinction, I have to stop telling stories and start participating in my own.
 |
| borrowed from tumblr. |
I had to, at some point, make the judgement call that I had enough trust in the coaches and community at CFSA to let them see my comfort zone and shove me outside of it. It's an opportunity to grow, and to let me teammates inspire me with their achievements, and to take adrenaline and harness it. Yeah, I'm scared -- I'm scared of letting people down. But sometimes, you (me) have to take a deep breath, step outside your comfort zone, and just do it.
I don't need to analyze to death what went wrong in the last week. Not enough good food, not enough sleep, enough stress to send me climbing the walls. My job now is to embrace the suck, and not let knock me off my course. Because letting things beyond my control, and things that went wrong that I have complete control to fix, aren't going to get me a 300# deadlift.
I don't eat Paleo because it's expected of me, I eat that way because I know how awesome it makes me feel. I don't strive for 8 hours of sleep because some blog tells me to, I do it because I work too hard in the gym to waste the effort with crap recovery. I do it all so that I live a better life, and I do it because I have goals that keep me going.
Because at the end of the day, other people are important. But they can't want it bad enough for you.
I'm not just looking forward to 2013 -- I'm freaking excited! I've seen what I can do in 2012 -- I've started a new job, started grad school, and changed my fitness as well as the way I think about it with Crossfit. I'm looking forward to hitting the ground running when I get back from PA with 60 days of 100% clean eating, and underneath the scared, I'm excited about competing. I'm excited about taking everything about 2012 and making it better.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
The Vacation Fail-eo diet.
I'm sitting in the airport in San Juan, getting ready to head home from a few days of R&R in Puerto Rico. Polishing off my last non-compliant breakfast of sunflower seeds, a banana, and... peanut M&M's, I'm reflecting on the epic fail food I encountered on this trip, and trying to come up with a plan for reintegrating as soon as my feet are back on the ground at Reagan.
I started, and by the skin of my teeth, finished, a Whole30 prior to this trip. And I did so to great success: cutting 18 pounds of body fat, slicing off 1/3 of my blood sugar medicine, kicking my caffeine habit, and all-around feeling awesome. So I was ready to relax in to the trip and maintain a mostly-Paleo diet. Umm...
I'm sure there are a lot of places to get great food in Puerto Rico. But when I sat down to my first meal of taco salad, and it consisted of some brown avocado on a bed of starting-to-brown iceberg lettuce, I should have known something was up. The best meal was sadly one I had at a chain restaurant in the waterfront in Old San Juan.
I didn't completely mess everything up -- I ate a few clean and particularly gluten-free meals (fajitas with corn tortillas, anybody?).
And so my 30 days of deliciously clean eating went out the window. I upped my blood sugar medicine to compensate, artificial sweetener is messing with my perception of flavors, gluten wrecked it's evil havoc, and to cap it all off, I got a glorious migraine that prevented me from sleeping last night.
Heading off this "off-roading" experience and back to the box, though, I have to ask myself the question I immediately started assessing after my Whole30 was over: is it worth it?
No! No! No!
(Was laying in the sun and working on a tan for a bit worth it? Yeah, probably that bit.)
I was totally shocked. I thought I would MISS cheese. I thought I would MISS diet soda. I really thought I would MISS fettuchini alfredo! But all these things -- while I did "miss" them during my Whole30 -- are now unremarkably, painstakingly average. And more than the average taste, they don't make me feel good. They make me bloated, give me headaches and stomachaches, mess with my athletic performance and sleep schedule. And plus, they kind of sucked. If I'm going to "cheat" on my whole, fresh, delicious paleo diet, I want the stuff to at least freaking taste good! And most of these things did not.
My other question: was I ready?
I think I bit off a little more than I could chew, proverbially, trying to knock out a Whole30 and then dive seamlessly in to a vacation. I had this great framework in place, and I totally botched it up -- and ultimately gave up for the rest of the trip. There's no excuse -- I just didn't prepare myself, and I didn't make the right decisions. And now I'm dealing with the consequences.
And finally: what did I learn?
This experience shouldn't be for naught -- I did learn more being conscious about myself and my eating habits than I thought I would.
I don't want to spend an entire post self-deprecating, though -- were some non-food, positive things that I did for my well-being while I was gone, though:
Not forgetting how crap-tastic crappy food made me feel.
Get back to compliant eating as soon as possible. I have more things in the pipeline this weekend and I'm sure there will be some challenges, but I need to prioritize this again.
Get back to compliant eating for as long as possible. My long-term goal is to get off my blood sugar medication. This isn't a Whole30 for life, but it is until I get my body where it needs to be health-wise, and where I want to be to achieve my goals. And to feel good!
So that's where I am. I'm excited to snooze for a bit on the plane and dig in to some turkey this evening -- and to get to Trader Joe's at 8 am tomorrow to stock up on some real, delicious, fresh food for a clean start, and to enjoy my kitchen again. The vacation is over, but that's okay, and I'm ready to re-focus.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody. I'm thankful for my health, that I can afford fresh food and have the skill to prepare it, and for the great people I get to share it with :)
I started, and by the skin of my teeth, finished, a Whole30 prior to this trip. And I did so to great success: cutting 18 pounds of body fat, slicing off 1/3 of my blood sugar medicine, kicking my caffeine habit, and all-around feeling awesome. So I was ready to relax in to the trip and maintain a mostly-Paleo diet. Umm...
I'm sure there are a lot of places to get great food in Puerto Rico. But when I sat down to my first meal of taco salad, and it consisted of some brown avocado on a bed of starting-to-brown iceberg lettuce, I should have known something was up. The best meal was sadly one I had at a chain restaurant in the waterfront in Old San Juan.
I didn't completely mess everything up -- I ate a few clean and particularly gluten-free meals (fajitas with corn tortillas, anybody?).
And so my 30 days of deliciously clean eating went out the window. I upped my blood sugar medicine to compensate, artificial sweetener is messing with my perception of flavors, gluten wrecked it's evil havoc, and to cap it all off, I got a glorious migraine that prevented me from sleeping last night.
Heading off this "off-roading" experience and back to the box, though, I have to ask myself the question I immediately started assessing after my Whole30 was over: is it worth it?
No! No! No!
(Was laying in the sun and working on a tan for a bit worth it? Yeah, probably that bit.)
I was totally shocked. I thought I would MISS cheese. I thought I would MISS diet soda. I really thought I would MISS fettuchini alfredo! But all these things -- while I did "miss" them during my Whole30 -- are now unremarkably, painstakingly average. And more than the average taste, they don't make me feel good. They make me bloated, give me headaches and stomachaches, mess with my athletic performance and sleep schedule. And plus, they kind of sucked. If I'm going to "cheat" on my whole, fresh, delicious paleo diet, I want the stuff to at least freaking taste good! And most of these things did not.
My other question: was I ready?
I think I bit off a little more than I could chew, proverbially, trying to knock out a Whole30 and then dive seamlessly in to a vacation. I had this great framework in place, and I totally botched it up -- and ultimately gave up for the rest of the trip. There's no excuse -- I just didn't prepare myself, and I didn't make the right decisions. And now I'm dealing with the consequences.
And finally: what did I learn?
This experience shouldn't be for naught -- I did learn more being conscious about myself and my eating habits than I thought I would.
- Potato bread = NONONO. I'm pretty sure this is what triggered my migraine.
- Sugar = the slows and the headaches. After every meal or snack with a lot of sugar, I felt slow, sick, and with a dull headache that had me passing out on my chair. Aka... sunburn.
- Cheese -- oh, prior love of my heart, cheese. Why are you so blah now? I have faith that when I eventually head back to my beloved cheesetique I can find some enjoyment in a cheese plate, but until then, I don't miss you. Even on my homemade taco salad. Sorry.
- French fries, potato chips, bread... and other snacky food cut my brakelines. I found myself munching without thinking -- something that was never an issue on my Whole30.
- I don't like pina coladas or diet coke nearly as much as I used to. I didn't drink enough to weigh my reactions to other foods.
I don't want to spend an entire post self-deprecating, though -- were some non-food, positive things that I did for my well-being while I was gone, though:
- I worked on mobility almost every day, if only for a bit. Including a "10-minutes-in-the-airsquat" check.
- I dug through probably 10 more MobilityWOD videos, self-assigned homework for the Crossfit Mobility seminar I've signed up to attend in March.
- I got in one WOD at Reebok Crossfit Ironheart, where most of my instruction consisted of an assistant coach translating the jyst of a drill quickly in to English for me.
- 15 minute AMRAP: 9 deadlifts (115#), 12 HRPU (as many as possible full for me, which cut in to my speed), and 15 box jumps (started at 20" and cut back to 18" when I started fatiguing and my fear of biting it again kicked in). 4 rounds.
Not forgetting how crap-tastic crappy food made me feel.
Get back to compliant eating as soon as possible. I have more things in the pipeline this weekend and I'm sure there will be some challenges, but I need to prioritize this again.
Get back to compliant eating for as long as possible. My long-term goal is to get off my blood sugar medication. This isn't a Whole30 for life, but it is until I get my body where it needs to be health-wise, and where I want to be to achieve my goals. And to feel good!
So that's where I am. I'm excited to snooze for a bit on the plane and dig in to some turkey this evening -- and to get to Trader Joe's at 8 am tomorrow to stock up on some real, delicious, fresh food for a clean start, and to enjoy my kitchen again. The vacation is over, but that's okay, and I'm ready to re-focus.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody. I'm thankful for my health, that I can afford fresh food and have the skill to prepare it, and for the great people I get to share it with :)
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